I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
