I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
