I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
