Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
