Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
