I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
