I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
