It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
