It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
