if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
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I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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