What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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