Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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