I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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