Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone came in the potted fern
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
