he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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