hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
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Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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