John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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