Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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