Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays