Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Everything about him screamed your future.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
