My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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