I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
