Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
