...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There's always time for handjobs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
