I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
