If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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