I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
