we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
