i need an iv and a liver transplant
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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