You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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