Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
