Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
