just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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