Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
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