You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
