I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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