Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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