i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
