I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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