I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
