He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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