Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
