I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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