I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
