You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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