Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
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It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
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I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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