I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
