did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
