whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
