sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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