You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm like, not good at living.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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