I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
