The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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