i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
