You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
