So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
