I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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