im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
