You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
