my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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