You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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