I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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