I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
