I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
we're so committed to being not committed
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
